Top 20 reasons why George Bush wants to put a man on Mars
: Here are David Letterman’s reasons.
10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It’s part of his “No Planet Left Behind” initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we’ll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We’ve run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork’s autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It’s not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn’t do it
And here are Jack Balkin’s:
10. American troops sure to be greeted as liberators.
9. Barren Martian landscape resembles top of Dick Cheney’s head.
8. Secret campaign contributions by Mars Candy Company.
7. Martian officials have repeatedly refused to respond when Bush accused them of possessing weapons of mass destruction.
6. Paul Wolfowitz theorizes that bringing democracy to Mars will have domino effect throughout Solar System!
5. President thinks it would be really cool to dress up in space suit and shout “Mission Accomplished!”
4. No space contracts for Frenchies!
3. Ashcroft suggests Mars is great place to hold enemy combatants.
2. Large desert spaces with no water or intelligent life remind Bush of his Crawford ranch.
1. New Martian territories guaranteed to be Red states.
I saved the best for last.