WASHINGTON, D.C., December 24, 2012 — National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre today announced that the NRA had trained a cadre of armed elves to ride with Santa Claus on his trip around the world tonight.
“The only thing that stops a naughty guy with a gun is a nice guy with a gun,” Mr. LaPierre said during a hastily called press conference, held in apparent response to the firestorm over his proposal to place armed guards in every American school. “Let this be a lesson to principals and politicians in this country: Santa Claus is setting an example not only by arming his sleigh but also by having the courage to create the only international data base of naughty people.”
In addition to carrying a bag of gifts for children around the world, Mr. Claus’ elves will pack heat: namely Bushmaster AR-15 semi-automatic rifles, each equipped with high-capacity magazines and more than a thousand rounds of hollow-point ammunition. Mr. Claus himself is reportedly carrying a Smith & Weston 9mm semiautomatic pistol under his beard should he be met with resistance leaving his sleigh and entering chimneys and living rooms. His spokeswoman, Mrs. Claus, also confirmed that to accomodate the extra load of armed guards and weaponry, North Pole Corp. added a tenth reindeer to its sleigh, named Blitzkrieg.
“As America’s preeminent trainer of law enforcement and security personnel for the past 50 years, the National Rifle Association is ready, willing and uniquely qualified to help win the war on Christmas,” Mr. LaPierre said. “We did it for the nation’s defense industries and military installations during World War II, and we’ll do it for Santa Claus today. Our culture — that is, our evil Hollywood media — have done Mr. Claus a disservice by portraying him as merely jolly and nice in movies, cartoons, and now videogames. That is an invitation to every insane killer that his journey would be their safest opportunity to inflict maximum mayhem with minimum risk. Well, let me tell you: His elves may look small and they may spend the rest of the year making toys, but tonight, they’re prepared for the worst.”
Mr. LaPierre continued: “Think about it. We care about our money, so we protect our banks with armed guards. American airports, office buildings, power plants, courthouses, even sports stadiums are all protected by armed security. We care about the President, so we protect him with armed Secret Service agents. Yet when it comes to the most beloved, innocent and vulnerable character in our culture, we leave him utterly defenseless, and the monsters and predators of this world know it and will exploit it. That must change now! Now Santa Claus is armed, thanks to the NRA. We believe in Santa Claus. And Santa Claus believes in the NRA!”
Mr. LaPierre also announced that as part of the NRA’s new North Pole alliance, Santa Claus agreed to place realistic toy guns under every Christmas tree around the world. “We are proud to take part in training the next generation of shooters,” Mr. LaPierre said.
At his press conference, Mr. LaPierre refused to take questions from the press. Unanswered were questions regarding what will befall the well-armed Mr. Claus when he travels to most civilized countries in the world, which, unlike the United States, have laws regulating the possession of guns and ammunition. This could lead to the prospect of Mr. Claus being arrested and jailed as he and Christmas come to Australia, Japan, and other nations with strict and successful gun controls. “let the death of xmas lie on the conscience of #guncontrolnuts,” said one NRA supporter on Twitter in a discussion following the announcements.
Also in the discussion on Twitter, CNN host Piers Morgan criticized Mr. Claus for his new stand in favor of guns and against gun control and invited him to appear on his prime-time show. “Come on, America,” Mr. Morgan tweeted. “Ban Santa Claus and enforce background checks on his elves. Do it now.” This led to further calls to deport Mr. Morgan, to which one Briton tweeted in response: “Nobody in Britain wants Piers Morgan to be deported. We’d much rather he was strangled in his bed by Santa.”
* Sadly, the LaPierre quotes are adapted from his own speech.
* Earlier: FTC fines Santa Claus.