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The unkindest cut of all

22 comments on The unkindest cut of all

The unkindest cut of all

: Howard Stern got a new ruling from the lawyers this morning: No long farts. Short farts are OK. Fart sounds made with the mouth (or, I assume, armpit) are apparently OK. But long farts from the fart factory are now feared to be illegal.

Yes, this is why mankind invented the law and broadcast technology: to argue about the the legal length of a fart.

There’ve been many final straws on Stern’s back and he’s lobbying to leave now whenever he can. He has also made clear that the minute the indecent indecency bill is signed into law, he’ll do nothing but play records, for it’s certainly not worth fines that could add into millions — long after the alleged crimes — for a medium he’s leaving.

But this was the unkindest cut of all. Howard said he found farts funny at 5 and still finds them funny at 51. He makes no pretense of having a sophisticated sense of humor about this. They’re just farts. Farts are funny. But now farts are illegal — or lawyers think they could be, though no one will ever make it clear.

This is beyond silly, it’s below stupid. Do we really need legislation about farts?

22 responses to “The unkindest cut of all”

  1. D. Tambini Avatar
    D. Tambini

    I dont understand how that could be offending, It’s just a sound, it’s not like the smell is transmitted through your radio.
    It is too bad that Howard Stern is driven out of the radio all he does is deliver laughs to the public, and last I heard laughing was good.
    So are this indecency bills to really censor laughter?

  2. Storm72 Avatar
    Storm72

    As juvenile as fart humor is, if the FCC’s crackdown on “indecency” on the airwaves has driven on-air personalities to get legal counsel regarding the length of farts, then we truly are a nation of silly prudes. Unbelievable doesn’t even begin to describe it.

  3. MWB Avatar
    MWB

    These games get tiresome after awhile.
    Yes, the standards are too vague. Yes, we can discuss the application of the First Amendment here. But Howard’s thing is to exploit “the edge” of public sensibilities. Sure, he can complain about where that edge is (or where his lawyers, for effect, say it is), but as soon as it’s moved, Howard will move too and start complaining about the new location. It’s a game, and for Howard at least, a lucrative one.

  4. slim999 Avatar
    slim999

    Hmmmm … where are the patriots in today’s society?
    “Give me long wet nasalhair dampening airwave polluting farts, or give me death!”
    Stern could, you know, take the lawyers’ advice, just ignore it and let the FCC fine him and then fight it out in court.
    Or, he could just let the FCC issue edicts and whine about them while playing records. Howard certainly has the money and fame to fight this in court. Why doesn’t he?
    Legislature’s are free to pass whatever laws they want. Judges have the power to toss those laws out if they are unconstitutional. But the court CANNOT do that until someone breaks the “law,” is prosecuted, and fighst for our right to fart at whatever length we deem to be comical – the social implications be damned.
    I can imagine a scene where the hushed tones of the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court are interrupted by one loooooong buttburp as some enterprising attorney asks the “heated” question of the day: “Justice Ginsberg … please tell us at what point this nice wet fart STOPS being funny and STARTS being obscene.”
    The laughter would be deafening.

  5. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Oh poor Howard, his own lawyers are now interpreting the rules for him, yawn? So what. This is hardly an attack on our free speech rights and this is nothing for us to worry about. Listening to Howard cry and moan is as old and normal since the day he started broadcasting in DC. I can’t wait until the bill is signed into law just to see if Howard follows through on his (empty?) threats.
    Come on, Howard is now using this to try and get out of his contract, get fired for not living up to said contract, and make his way over to Sirius. That’s the extent of his fight.

  6. John Avatar
    John

    I suppose Sirius can use this in their future advertising campaign — Home of the CD-Quality 15 Second Fart — though as a stockholder, I doubt it’s going to really boost the subscriber rate all that much.

  7. J. Peden Avatar
    J. Peden

    It seems the most appropriate activity for and of lawyers yet, nearly an epitome, to pass gas over what it is – why, the very nature of “speech” itself.
    Are University speech codes soon to follow suit?

  8. chico haas Avatar
    chico haas

    inmyhumbleopinion, Howard Stern’s a tasteless jackass. That fart humor is a topic of gov’t regulation and is being considered a crucial barricade in the defense of free speech is intrinsically brilliant in the way it exposes the pathetic witlessness that permeates our culture. Burping your full name, however, is a gift and always funny.

  9. Eric Deamer Avatar
    Eric Deamer

    So, just to track this: A few posts ago you were complaining that the indecency guidelines weren’t clear enough. The moment you said this I was almost moved to say that if specific, detailed guidelines were released you would ridicule them, but I was able to restrain myself from the pointless exercise of trying to have any substantive dicsussion of these issues here. Now, here you are making fun of the very clear guidelines for indecency that you asked for, I think, yesterday. This is another example of why your tone and approach on this stuff is absolutely maddening and not persuasive, even to someone somewhat amenable to your point of view.

  10. lrh Avatar
    lrh

    This isn’t a first ammendment issue Jeff. It’s more pr from the Sirius/Stern ponzi scheme.
    Follow the money. The retained subscriber levels and advertiser support necessary to cover the cost of Stern’s deal are unlikely to ever materialize. So the only hope for shareholders is all in the hot air Stern generates and Wall Street’s ability to find a “greater fool” to bid up the share price.
    The WSJ did the math on subscribers in the last couple of months. The advertising comment comes from my personal experience.

  11. David Avatar
    David

    The problem with arguments about free speech are that they usually involve something silly. So you thereby look the fool arguing for unlimited farts. However anyone arguing in favor of restricting speech seldom looks beyond the farts. They don’t seem capable of understanding the ‘give em an inch’ rule.

  12. tony Avatar
    tony

    Hey Eric,
    Perhaps the criticism comes down to this: what is a “long” fart and what is a “short” one?
    Plus Jeff has always argued that it is the FCC who refuses to define these things, which they still refuse to do. Howard’s lawyers told him what they felt would be safe, not the FCC.
    If the FCC wanted to be clear, which they don’t, they’d say, “a fart of more than 20 seconds will be deemed indecent.”
    Instead they remain vague so that they can jump out of the bushes and yell “ah-ha!” and pop someone for a half million dollars for something as unsexy as a 30-second fart.
    If you want to pretend that something is maddening, aim at the real offenders of this madness, your boys at the FCC. Howard simply wants to know what the rules are.

  13. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Hey tony, what happened? Did you finally fix the shift key on your keyboard? What’s with the capitals?

  14. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Our whole judicial system exists to support the attempt to define black and white in a grey world.
    Stern reminds me of the little kid in the commercial holding his finger a hair away from his sister’s arm…..”I’m not touching you”……

  15. JZ Avatar
    JZ

    The whole argument of your post rests on the phrase “…or lawyers think they could be…” which is to say it falls flat. Lawyers “think” a lot of things.

  16. Pamilico Jack Avatar
    Pamilico Jack

    Well we are reaping the rewards of Howard’s “good taste”. Stern pushes the envelope way to much and this is what we have as a result. He can make his points just as well by moderating his language and behavior

  17. Eric Deamer Avatar
    Eric Deamer

    Plus Jeff has always argued that it is the FCC who refuses to define these things, which they still refuse to do. Howard’s lawyers told him what they felt would be safe, not the FCC.
    I know we’re talking about his lawyers and not the FCC in this case, but what exactly do you think “clear guidelines” would be if not stuff exactly like this, which you and Jeff would then promptly ridicule?

  18. tony Avatar
    tony

    I think you’re missing the point Eric. Howard Stern isn’t leaving terrestrial radio because the things that they are fining him are worthy of ridicule, he’s leaving because they intentionally make the rules vague and don’t fine people consistantly.
    I gave a perfect example regarding farts. If the FCC said “if you play a real fart for more than 30 seconds you will be fined $10,000,” I, for one would not ridicule them. Some might, but I wouldn’t because they have drawn a line.
    Some might want to argue like in Genesis 18: 23-32 trying to negotiate a 31-second fart. That’s them.
    I would be happy with clearly defined terms (“These words will be fined, these words will not be fined”). And reasonable people at the FCC should want to clearly define their terms. The problem isn’t that once the terms are presented that they will be ridiculed, the problem is that the FCC is trying to have it both ways – they want to keep people in check, but they don’t want to tell them until after they fine them what the crime was.
    And then they’re not consistant.
    Howard was fined for discussing anal/oral sex during the unsafe hours of 6am-10pm. Opra was not fined for discussing anal/oral sex during that same timeframe.
    If you fear ridicule, then encourage the FCC to be fair and clear, don’t denounce Jeff and myself for asking for clairty and transparency.

  19. Birkel Avatar
    Birkel

    As a solid conservative I would like to say I find Howard Stern entertaining in small doses. And the FCC is a waste of my money.
    I don’t mind government regulation designed to fix market failures. But Stern’s show is a market success.
    Those who complain about Stern’s pre-pubescent humor also argue for free markets. Which is it?
    I have chosen. So should the rest of you.

  20. Birkel Avatar
    Birkel

    At least I’m consistEnt. Right Tony?

  21. Yanni Znaio Avatar
    Yanni Znaio

    This is just too rich.
    Lecturing Stern on farts is like lecturing Hugh Hewitt on blogs.
    “If [long] farts are outlawed, only outlaws will have [long] farts .”
    “Give me flatulence or give me death.”
    “All we have to fear are [long] farts themselves.”
    One last comment: Isn’t government regulation of flatulence strangely recursive?

  22. yankee Avatar
    yankee

    yes america we have sunk real low these days.. farts are offending ? who are they offending ? next burping will be illegal on the air too. i say anything u can say or do on the tube u should be able to do on radio… honestly the oversensitivity of this country is what is slowly killing us as a society..an american society. im glad howard stern is moving to sirius sattelite radio… not because i dont like his show, which i love btw…but because he will finally have freedom to do a show without worrying about his producers cutting his head off because they may lose sponsers. as for the length of the so-called offending fart, is a short fart less offending then a long overdrawn fart ? im sure some stupid idiot out there has a measure.
    just a side note about the super bowl ads…some of u may have noticed they said there would be no farting horses or stuff that would be offensive this year…a toned down commercial lot… well not for nothing, i think that a horse farting is more entertaining and less violent then seein an innocent man in a convenience store getting beaten with a bat, maced, and tazered because the clerk thought he was getting robbed… is that supposed to be funny ? personally ill take a harmless fart over that, it may smell bad but wont leave marks or burning eyes.. they should have had a footnote to that “funny” commercial having the guy that got beat up sue the store owner, putting him and his ugly wife out on the street to be homeless. now that would be funny.
    if i get a chance im moving to europe where sex isnt censored, people are open about everything and the crime rate is lower…. or even somewhere where someone can smoke a joint and it not be illegal or hire a prostitute and not worry about goin to jail… thats freedom, not where we have to worry about what the morally upper crust want us to know and see…. dont even get me started on the so called violent tv affecting our kids … thats a whole book and a half….