Excuses, excuses: So John The

Excuses, excuses
: So John The Rat Traitor Superdoofus Walker (Lindt) is coming back to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave today.

I’ve been thinking: When he was discovered in that fetid, death-stench basement in Afghanistan, if he had half a brain — which, obviously, he doesn’t — he would have shouted at the sight of a fellow American: “Thank God [note: God, not Allah], you’ve rescued me! I was held by these crazy terrorists. My God, do you know they’re the ones who attacked America? I had no idea we were going to fight you. I thought I was going to be a Muslim social worker. I tried to get away but they kept threatening to shoot me. Please take me home!”

Now if he had said that, some would have believed him and some wouldn’t and we’d be arguing here in blogdom over the question, “Is he a traitor?” But at least he’d have a chance of convincing people he was some sort of idiot victim instead of a terrorist. And besides, who would testify against him: other terrorists?

As the door slams shut on him today in a Federal prison, I just wonder whether any of this will be going through his mind: “Oh, what a frigging idiot doofus I am!”

: I also fantasize about Walker becoming a character on Oz. Imagine if Verne and his boys got hold of him. The black Muslims wouldn’t take him as one of their own. He’d be shish kebab in no time.

: Fantasy update: When crazy Mike Tyson goes to jail for (a) biting his opponent or (b) rape or (c) whatever he does next, maybe he should room with Walker.

: In New York, we have the honored tradition of the “perp walk,” in which alleged perpetrators are walked from one point to another where news cameras just happen to be so the world can see the guy. I don’t want just courtroom sketches of this guy. I want to see his face.

: Email update: A reader named Jim writes: “The other thing Lindh should have done to save his own ass… Stopped talking in that fake accent. ‘My har-dt h-went out to the peeples…’ Whatever, Latka.”

Flashing blue light special on plastic explosives
: Via Holy Weblog: ABC reports that coupon fraud helped fund the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Tom Ridge’s to-do list
: The Washington Post says this is what Ridge has been up to.

Rhymes with Ridge… uh, Fridge? Smidge?
: Will Warren has a great new verse on his site about one of my very favorite subjects Tom “Do Nothing” Ridge (aka Tom “Remember Me?” Ridge):

Now anthrax has all gone away; I didnít have to budge.

It wonít be coming back, it seems (as best as I can judge).

When people started fretting ëbout the Games in Salt Lake town,

I said, ìWe canít make promisesî and that sure calmed ëem down.

A young Osama wannabe flew right into a bank:

Said I, ìHeís not a terrorist, with such a little tank.î


ëCause you donít panic! Youíre not volcanic!

You sure donít have much zing,

Itís pure serenity you bring.

Youíre just not manic! You ainít galvanic!

And thatís by far the most important thing.

I go to lots of meetings and I build bureaucracy;

The more we sit in offices, the more security.

From me the people of this land will rarely hear a peep:

I wouldnít want to say a thing that might disturb their sleep.

My soporific policy is working as it ought:

The nationís doing fine while Iím not doing diddly-squat.

Even more frightening than The Chair
: BBC2 is going to scare the scones out of Brits with a docudrama, Smallpox 2002 — Silent Weapon, killing off 60 million people with a biological attack starting in London and New York. The Day After: the biological sequel.

Just a biased opinion
: Andrew Sullivan is getting boring.

: Alan Keyes’ new MSNBC show is even more boring.