Burgers sted burqas: I don’t

Burgers sted burqas
: I don’t know why but I’m writing about trivial, meaningless things today — burgers, dogs, Dave Letterman, and the most meaningless of all, Liza Minelli — instead of important things like war and terrorism and mourning and molestation. Feels good.

: I’m jealous of Ken Layne and Matt Welch for many things (and they’re probably jealous of me for one thing: a paying job). I’m jealous of their weather, their cameraderie, their books… but mostly I’m jealous of their ability to dash out and meet at In-N-Out Burger or Fat Burger. And I’m jealous of their ability to eat burgers. I used to eat burgers practically every day; I had personal relationships with my neighborhood McDonald’s staff. But then I (a) got married and (b) got my cholesterol tested. I got old. Well, older.

So now I eat chicken sandwiches (no mayo).

Feel pity for me.

But that’s why I’m happy that Burger King just introduced its BK Veggie. Howard Stern and company made fun of it this morning. But I say it’s not so bad. It’s much better than McDonald’s veggie burger (sold in a few places in New York). McD makes the big mistake of trying to make vegetables into meat; they miss and turn them into rubber. Burger King, on the other hand, lets veggies be veggies. Their burger isn’t afraid to be nutty, even crunchy. It’s unashamed to show the random carrot bit. And they put low-fat mayo on it.

That made me happy.

And when I’m really old and lose all my teeth, I’ll also like it because it’s good gumming food.

With those pathetic caveats in mind, I recommend the BK Veggie.

I should add that I don’t like the BK Veggie as much as my current fast-food fave: the grilled-stuffed burrito (chicken, of course, not beef) at Taco Bell.

Now I know that Layne and Welch will make fun of me for that because they can go down the street and get real burritos from real burrito stands. But I don’t live in L.A. I live in New Jersey, where pasta is the official state food. A restaurant without pasta is soon to be an empty storefront.

But mark my words, boys: You, too, will get old or older. You will find hair growing in your ears and plaque in your arteries. You, too, will lead such a dull life that your day can be brightened by the arrival of a new veggie burger.

Thank God I can still drink.

Man bites man
: Ever since I started running, I’ve developed a new relationship to dogs. I now fear them. They now hate me. I don’t know why; do they presume guilt of some dog law because we’re running (and in my case, not very fast)? Do they think I look dorky in my running togs (I do… but, hell, they’re just dogs)? Whatever, they tend to want to attack me and a few times have.

So I’m glad to see the dog verdict in California. Sure, that was extreme. But I plan to wave it in front of every irresponsible dog owner on my route: Controlling your animal is your responsiblity.

Conan/Dave… Conan/Dave…
: Conan O’Brien is getting his show repeated on cable at a civilized hour (6 or 7p and noon on Comedy Central). I repeat: That’s what CBS should be doing with Dave Letterman. How about 7-8p on VH-1? They could use the boost.

Liza OD
: Rex Reed (who better) reports on Liza’s wedding [via Amy Welborn]: